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Interview With A Blogpire

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Published on: January 31, 2007

My friend Stacey sent me the following proof that I’ve always been this weird. This is from high school.

The following are the actual questions asked and the actual responses given by Ben Kanter.

Q: What is your name backwards?

A: Retnak Nhoj Nimajneb

Q: Who is the most inspirational Sesame Street character?

A: Oscar because Oscar don’t take no gruff from nobody

Q: What is you favorite element and why?

A: Vanadium because it sounds cool

Q: If you had to be stranded on a desert island for the rest of your life, who of the opposite sex would you take you?

A: (grabs me) YOU

Q: Why?

A: You’re standing right there.

Q: In you dream house, what would your front door knob look like?

A: A dragon’s head, that would be so cool.

Q: What animal would you be?

A: A platypus because they’re mammals yet they lays eggs

Q: Which leg do you put in your pants first?

A: I just put both feet in at once and slide them up.

Q: If you were the president of Djibouti, what would the first line of the national anthem be?

A: What’s up in Djibouti?

Q: What would be your Indian name?

A: Buffalo with tail in air

Q: If you had to loose one body part, what would you choose?

A: My left leg because I don’t use it very often. No, wait, one of my kidneys because you only need one. Oh, yeah yeah, put down nipple ‘cuz I got a spare.

Q: If you had to add one body part, what would you choose?

A: I would put an extra hand on my arm so it would be facing the other hand so I could clap with only one hand.

Q: If you had a Captain Planet ring, what would your power be?

A: Gronndy’s mom. If you don’t think that’s a power then you obviously haven’t met Gronndy’s mom.

Q: What’s your favorite quote from Toy Story?

A: “Who’s behind? Mine”

Q: Paper towel or hand dryer?

A: Both. You get most of the moisture off with the dryer, but then get the rest with the towel.

Q: Paper or plastic?

A: Plastic because I need them for cleaning the cat box

You’re welcome, internet.

Keep Your Feet On The Ground!

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Published on: January 27, 2007

So, this one time when I had medium length hair, and a big beard…

Namely, today…

I needed to get up early to buy my mother crutches. You see, she had to teach at 8, which, coincidentally is when Walgreens (The only local convenient source of crutches) opens. So, 8 am found me in line at the checkout in Walgreens, crutches in hand. The cashier asked me if I wanted a twenty-five cent package of some candy they had on promotion.

I play a lot of World of Warcraft. In World of Warcraft there are two main factions that players can be a part of: The Horde, and The Alliance. There is typically a great deal of animosity between these two factions, as their digital avatars tend to kill each other.

I play Alliance.

The cashier asked me if I wanted a twenty-five cent package of some candy they had on promotion. I said sure. Having already paid for my crutches with my debit card, I handed him a quarter from my pocket, and he took the box of candy from the large stack next to the register. Then he uttered the fateful words, “Heh, shrinking my horde.”

Then I said (supposing I was speaking too quietly to be heard), “Alliance for the win.”

He looked at me strangely. (Disproving my supposition.)

As I walked out the door, the customer behind me in line yelled to my back, “For the Horde!”

I think my friend Kaleb summed it up best when he said, “NEEERDZ!!”


A Conundrum, Wrapped in an Enigma, Wrapped in a Warm Flour Tortilla

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Published on: January 21, 2007


Anyone here…

Didn’t think so. Good. Things are as normal.

Now, to type as if you were here:
Hello, readers. Welcome back to Crap: The Blog, the Blog where everything’s made up and Rae stalks me. You may be wondering why there have been no posts of late. You are probably only wondering this if you’re new to C:tB, because lack of posting is what we do around here.

That’s about to change.

Ladies, gentlemen, and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri, I hereby announce that I will officially be updating at least once every 8 days.

Let me say that again: I (your beloved leader) will update this (your beloved blog) every eight (your beloved… umm… number) days. This means that I pledge that from this point until some point in the future there will be no more than eight days between posts. Why eight, you ask? Because I chose that number arbitrarily.

Veteran readers of my blog were skeptical quite a while ago, and are now saying to themselves, “Yeah, right, what’s to keep him in line?” Fear not, gentle readers, I have a plan. For I have acquired a digital camera, and, for every day a post is late, I will use said camera to take a picture of me doing something stupid.

You heard me.

Or read me.

Err… the blog post I typed.

Be not afraid, I already have a backlog of apology photos ready to go.

Good night, internet, sleep well, good work today.

I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.

Redirecting Guilt, Part Deux

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Published on: October 11, 2006

As you may, or probably haven’t guessed from the previous post, we’ve added a third contributor. Or, rather, we’ve added a third person who won’t post very often. This is part of our ongoing effort to spread the blame around, or add more content, or something else. (It probably involves an internet buzzword, like “intersphere stratocasting.”)

Also, we’ve apparently decreased posting requirements to the point where sentence fragments and internet slang constitute meaningful updates.

Stratocasting, indeed.

Well done, interwebs, you’ve made heroes of us all.

New and Exciting Pinnacles of Laziness

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Published on: July 7, 2006

So, since I’m too lazy to write actual posts, here’s a conversation that I had with the internet (amélie):

amélie: good even, sir
me: Lo.
amélie: and how are you on this fine day?
me: Not too bad.
me: Yourself?
amélie: rather alright
me: Excellent.
amélie: indeed
amélie: but for the fact that you have not posted *stern look in your general direction, that being assumed east*
me: Yeah, yeah.
me: Not posting is so normal for me that it’s just like posting.
amélie: true
amélie: but you taunt me with saying i’m in the background of a nonexistant picture.
amélie: and the most recent post’s title always makes me think you’re slowly killing the blog
me: Actually, the game pictured in that picture is mostly responsible for the blog’s slow death.
me: It’s not like I actually do anything worth writing about.
amélie: i used to laugh, mr. kanter
amélie: deprivation of laughter is a serious offence.
me: I’m not afraid to go back to jail.
amélie: no? that’s convenient
amélie: and then you’d have interesting blog material to post about
amélie: huzzah
me: Actually, I’m probably just going to post this conversation.
me: Thanks for writing half a blog post.
amélie: you’re quite welcome
amélie: what would you do, after all, without the internet stalking you?
me: Retire to a desert island.
amélie: well, thank goodness i exist then.
me: Indeed.
amélie: unless it was a dessert island..
me: Mmm… Dessert.
amélie: quite right
amélie: so what have you been up to lately?
me: Not much.
me: Work, sleep, work, sleep worksleep
amélie: work where?
me: At a doorknob factory.
amélie: really?
me: Yeah.
amélie: that sounds so cool
amélie: is it boring?
me: Pretty much.
amélie: i figured. that’s sad.
me: Indeed.
amélie: did the tantalizing thought of dessert distract or deter you from discussion?
me: Yeah.
amélie: sad.
amélie: i made fudge the other day
me: Mmm… fudge.
amélie: and cookies.
me: Mmm… fudge and cookies.
amélie: yeah, happy fourth indeed.
amélie: speaking of the fourth, i burnt holes in a rogue beach ball to mark the occasion.
me: Cool.
amélie: what’d you do?
me: Nada mucho.

That was easy.


A slow death

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Published on: June 2, 2006

This shows about how my internet connection is right now:

Like being beaten to death with a 28800 baud modem.


The Thrill of Defeat

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Published on: May 18, 2006

Here we are once again, kids: The “I haven’t updated in a while, so apologizing for not posting for awile is almost as good as a real post” post.

So, umm, yeah. I haven’t posted in a while.

I hope that apology is as good as a real post.

Bye now.

P.S. I’m almost done with school for this semester, which is kind of cool, but kind of not, because I’m going to miss all my college peeps, and my girlfriend will be several states away instead of being a three minute walk away and run-on sentences aren’t very cool.

P.P.S. I am not very funny.

P.P.P.S. But, then, you already knew that.

P.P.P.P.S. It’s really your fault, you know. You knew this would likely not be very funny, and yet you read it anyway. I mean, you really have no one to blame but yourself.

P.P.P.P.P.S. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to insult you like that. Seriously.

Insomnia 2: Electric Boogaloo

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Published on: May 2, 2006

I think I’ve figured it out, guys. I think my insomnia is related to stress. I always seem to have these wonderful sessions of insomnia soon after bad days. Last time I got a night’s sleep between the day of stress and the night of no sleep, but this time no repreive was given. Crappy day. *BAM* No sleep.

This leads me to one inevitable conclusion: My subconscious hates me.

I figure the only solution is some sort of bloody coup in my brain, which mostly sounds like a really cool metaphor for a bad headache that I’ll have to use sometime. (I’ll have to use the metaphor, not the headache. Sorry, unclear antecedent.) Where was I? Oh yeah, so the resistance forces are meeting umm… resistance. This is likely because they’re figments of my lack-of-sleep addled brain. However, in their defence, they only exist to combat that very brain, which doesn’t really seem like a positive on their part, because I would think that anything who’s sole purpose is to destroy the thing that makes it exist is unlikely to live a very fulfilling existence.

So, umm…

This post make no to less than that sense.

But, you already knew that.

And, you probably expected it, too.

I think the Electric Boogaloo reference might have tipped my hand.

Open Letter to Hoobastank

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Published on: April 30, 2006

(Considering how popular this blog is, I’m sure Hoobastank reads this, but just in case they don’t, could someone who knows them just pass it along, thanks.)

Dear Hoobastank,
If you were me, then I’d be you, and I’d use your helicopter to get to the top.
You can’t stop me no matter who you are.

In which our hero proves how truly uncool he really is

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Published on: April 27, 2006

Man, have you ever done that thing where you are listening to music and then you leave, and when you come back and turn the music back on you can’t believe you had it that loud? I just did that. It was wild.

Less Than Jake is cool.

Umm… I have no real reason to post. I mostly am just hitting some hardcore writer’s block on this Shakespeare paper I’m writing. I have a killer title. (I rule at titles. (Fun Fact: Last year I won the Elmer Schpederman Memorial Award for the best title on a paper in Literature and Writing II. True story.)(Addendum to fun fact: The title was: “my mind is a hunk of irrevocable nothing: The Thought Provoking Poetry of E.E. Cummings” Yes, that capitalization is correct. If you don’t understand why, read some Cummings. It will hurt your brain in the very coolest way possible.)(Yes, I like poetry. No, I don’t like Dickinson. Don’t even ask. Dickinson sucks. Seriously.)(I’m wondering how many parentheticals I can string together here. (probably lots) These are really just devices for artificially extending post length, which is cool by me.))

myself, walking in Dragon st
one fine August
night,i just
happened to meet

“how do you do” she smiling
said “thought you
were earning your living
or probably dead”

so Jones was murdered by
a man named Smith and
we sailed on the

- “206″ E.E. Cummings

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